If I don’t write this right now, perhaps I won’t write again, ever.
It’s been three months since I posted anything (and that was just a poem that I wrote earlier in the year so does it even count?) and it’s not that I haven’t had ideas or the desire to write them down–I have. But every time I wanted to write about something in particular in the past… since the winter really… I said great, I’ll do that tomorrow. And then never did it. Obviously.
I was going to make a post on the last day of school in April, about the feeling of ending after five years of being in that place where I grew so much. I was going to make a post a couple of weeks later about my insecurities and fears about becoming a teacher. I was going to make a post in June about graduating.
I was going to make a post about Mom near her birthday–I actually wrote a lot in my journal that day and was considering just typing that up for a post. But then time flew by, and I didn’t. I was going to make a travel post about my trip to Halifax with my cousins and how I fell in love with Nova Scotia, but I didn’t do that either (maybe a poem, later? we’ll see).
I’ve been trying to write a post about motivation for over a month. I’ll do a proper, full post just about that… perhaps in a few days. Ha!
This is what I wanted to write about last weekend:
I was thinking about things Mom has missed out on (like Buffy Sainte Marie at Summerfolk in 2014), and things she would have been surprised and proud to see me doing if she were still alive today, and I thought wow, Mom would have loved the fact that I decided to join a slo pitch team this year, since she used to play in the annual slo pitch tournament back in Walters Falls when we were little. I was at an end-of-the-year party for my team when I was thinking about this, sitting by the fire, and one of my team mates reminded me of my mom in some funny ways, and I know Mom would have gotten along well with a lot of the ladies on my team, and would have enjoyed that party immensely. And then I realized, if Mom was still alive (and well), she wouldn’t have just been happy that I joined a team, she would have wanted to play slo pitch again too! She could have joined with me. That could have been something that we did together.
I didn’t, of course, write a post about that last week, while it was fresh in my mind and aching in my chest. I did write about it in my journal, so I suppose that’s something.
Should I make a little post about Halifax now, or is it too late? Should I pull up the things I wrote in my journal around Mom’s birthday and make that post now, two months late? Should I go back and make that post about saying goodbye to the York University dance space, with all of the photos I took in anticipation of writing?
You know what, maybe I’ll just turn all of those things into poetry.
Then again, maybe I’ll do nothing for another three months or longer. But we can hope.
And this, my friends, is what is known, in technical terms, as a “thought splatter”.